43

I’m 43 now. My birthday was a week and a half ago. I had a super fun weekend with my friend Kelly up until brunch on Sunday when I got a text from my boss that she needed me to come in to see her before I went to see patients.

I’ve gotten calls and texts like this before. They don’t end well.

I had a couple panic attacks on Sunday, I did clue my friends in to what was going on because I couldn’t hide it and couldn’t enjoy what was supposed to be a really fun day. I went in Monday morning and was fired for completely bullshit reasons out of my control, not based on anything I could have changed. I’m not mad anymore because I’ve already found a new job I start on Wednesday, but I’m mad that someone who gave the company so much for a year and a half was let go so easily and not given any benefits of the doubt.

I worried for a while because we don’t have a lot of money in reserve. My husband doesn’t make much money, and despite the gazillion times I have asked him to look for something that pays better, he just doesn’t give a shit and won’t do it. You know what his monthly take home salary pays? Our mortgage, my car payment, car insurance payment and cell phones. Nothing else. Not a penny.

I get pissed because I work my ass off, some days 7 days a week, and have nothing to show for it because he can’t step up. I’m 43. As a married adult I have never gotten to do the things that so many do – remodel or make upgrades to my house, take a vacation out of the US, take a Spring Break vacation, etc. I worry every single month – sometimes twice a month – about paying bills. And he doesn’t care.

I’m damn lucky I found a job so quickly. There’s no guarantee I’ll get up to speed with work quickly. He’s not helping.

I do want to go back to California. If I have to go myself, maybe that’s just what I have to do – except I don’t have an extra cent with which to do it. I love my husband, but his actions (or inactions) are something I’m struggling with a lot.

I just shouldn’t be 43 and worrying about this.