With friends like this

Oh, this is long and immature and really, adults act this way? Yeah. High school never ends. It’s just where the behavior is learned. It’s practiced and refined in the years to follow.

I’ve lived here for 10 years now. I’m pretty introverted and have a hard time making friends – add into that that I don’t like people a lot so it makes it even harder. I have a handful of casual friends, none that I would call in the middle of the night with an emergency, but definitely those I like hanging out with for drinks. But no good friends.

But, about a year ago I made some friends I thought were good friends. We hung out. We liked each other. We had a little clique. And it grew from there and we had more fun and did more things.

Of course there was plenty about them that I didn’t like, being conservative, pro guns, anti-cats, lewd jokes etc, but I let them fly just because I really desperately wanted friends and to stop being lonely after 10 years here. Trust me, it takes a lot to let some of those things slide. Conversely, I’m sure they put the fact that I’m extremely liberal, anti-guns, love cats and politically correct aside to be friends. But they’re fun and we’ve had great times and I’ve finally been happy. Not like back-in-Oakland happy, but happy.

And then it changed because I couldn’t condone a really awful pedophile joke. I didn’t know that to be considered a cool kid you had to stand up for your friends even when it is completely against everything you believe and is offensive to most everyone. So now I’m not a cool kid and not part of the clique and told everything I do wrong and why I’m not good enough to be one of them.

It sucks to have anxiety and depression and be an introvert and to be really unhappy and feel incredibly trapped someplace you don’t want to be. It sucks even more when you’re treated that way by people you thought were your friends. I can defend my friends for almost anything, and if you are my friend I am incredibly loyal. But there are certain things I can’t and won’t defend, and won’t change my behavior for.
So, I’m doing my best to get out of my funk and feel ok about living here and get back to life “before friends”. I still dream every day of getting to move back to California, but there are so many things working against us to get us back there. I just don’t know.

And I guess I’d rather have very few friends and I’d rather stay home and be a little lonely. Because with friends like that who needs enemies?