A spot on the map

I’ll be succinct: it sucks to live someplace you hate. Worse yet, it sucks to feel trapped in that place.

I moved to Denver 10 years ago this July. My husband is from here, all his family is here. I was living in the Bay Area and loving life and loving my friends. At the time I thought it would be awesome and we’d live happily ever after and being happily married would be enough to keep me happy living in someplace that wasn’t close to friends or family. I was pretty wrong.

It’s sort of sucked from the get-go. I’ve had a really hard time making friends. Yes, I’m an introvert, yes I’m opinionated, yes, I’m picky – but it shouldn’t be THAT hard to find people you really like and want to keep as friends forever. I’d be lying if I said I had no friends here. I do have a handful of them that I like and enjoy hanging out with. I guess it’s just that my life was so different in California that it allowed me to see my friends a lot, and have a blast with them. Most of the time my cats are my best friends.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband. But it’s hard when you feel like YOU have given up so much to be part of this marriage and he’s given none. None.

I want to move back to California. Would that solve every problem in my life? Absolutely not. But it would make me happy. And to be 100% honest, I haven’t been truly happy in 10 years except for the times I have gone back to California to visit.

It’s hard to be happy in a state that hates Californians that move there. That has bumper stickers that say “native”, “go home” and “no vacancy”. Or where people assault you at their football games. I’ve met more fickle people here than anywhere I’ve lived.

I just want to move back. My husband won’t. There are other complicating circumstances, such as finances, but what it comes down to is that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life living someplace I’m not happy. I don’t know how many times I can talk to my husband about it with him saying no before I just up and leave. I threaten it when I’m unhappy, but without the financial means it’s impossible.

I have plans. I know where I want to live, I know what I want to do, I know how happy it will make me. I just need to figure out how to do it.